London Syndrome

One American Anglophile's Blog About Her Inability to Queue

Archiving London Syndrome - Goodbyes

It’s 2am at Heathrow, which means it’s time to bid London adieu!

During these past few months, I’ve encountered British/American egg differences, offended Tumblr with pedophile/Sherlock jokes, and survived the apocalypse in #TrueBrit style.

5 Things I’ve “Learned” From Living in London

  • London’s Essex Girl stereotype is the American equivalent of Jersey Shore (with a tinge of Valley Girl).
  • Pants (UK) = underpants vs. Pants (US) = trousers is the vocab/vernacular shift with the most awkward of consequences. (“I need new pants”, “I’m not wearing pants, it’s too hot!” <- Said No One Ever in London Winter)
  • The One Time You Agree with Piers Morgan, everyone else calls for his deportation.
  • You’ll never find satisfying sushi (or bubble tea), but the curry is as good as it gets.
  • Your notion of “far” is based entirely on the time/length of your commute from your place to your work/school environment.
This blog will remain archived for future embarrassment and job-tarnishing.

England Prevails: Why I’m Happy to Be Spending the Apocalypse in London

December 21, 2012 has been relatively uneventful, but there are still a few more hours of Greenwich Mean Time left for the “end of the world” to occur (and by end of the world, I mean that the Tube will stall. Disastrous!). Believe me, I’m very glad to be in England for the post-apocalypse.

Why?

Because based on my favorite dystopian/post-apocalyptic books and movies, England is always the last country standing when the rest of the world has gone to shit.

Remember Children of Men? Where the human race has gone infertile and the entire earth is going to a riotous hell-in-a-hand-basket? Who is the only semi-functioning government left standing?

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England, motherfuckers!

Or in Alan Moore’s V For Vendetta (graphic novel > movie): After we experience a “nuclear war, which has left much of the world destroyed”, who prevails?

ENGLAND PREVAILS, BITCHES!

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(Even if it means installing a fascist, totalitarian regime and/or teetering on the brink of anarchy.)

The genre of dystopian literature is a decidedly British tradition— from George Orwell’s 1984 to Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange. In all of these dystopias, the rest of the world is a dark and (for all we know) completely desolate/evil/chaotic place, but England remains the last hope for some sense of order… soul-crushing, bleak order.

Tied very closely with the dystopia is the genre of apocalyptic/post-apocalyptic fiction. From Mary Shelley’s The Last Man to “After London” to 28 Days Later, there’s a long and invariably linked British tradition of imagining oneself and one’s industrial world after some giant catastrophe. Some say it has to do with British anxieties over a falling empire, or impending invasion/threat from other world powers.

Dystopian narratives often occur as people feel society is falling apart (due to prolonged wars, famine, economic hardship) and imagine a world in which these factors— or some catastrophic singular event like Nuclear War or ALIENS or the 2012 Apocalypse— have destroyed old society. Thus, we are rebuilding society into some “New World Order”, where we will have to decide what sort of moral codes we will subscribe to in a bleak and desolate landscape. I think an apocalyptic narrative is often the implied catalyst for the Orwellian, fascist governments of British dystopians.

“But wait!” I hear you say. “Everyone who watches Roland Emmerich movies and modern-day dystopias knows that it’s AMERICANS (with their guns stockpiled with ammo and shit) that make it out alive. AND WE HAS FREEDOM.”

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(Freedom buried under God’s wrath.)

I’m not going to dispute that America is now becoming a primary terrain for the post-apocalyptic narrative to playout. One could speculate it fits with the American tradition (read: stereotype) of rugged individualism, dangerous frontiers, and Old West survivalism.

But the prospects in American dystopia are somehow even MORE bleak than the English. Here, we don’t even have totalitarian systems attempting to restore some semblance of political order— we just have pure and utter “every man for himself” chaos. (See: Stephen King’s the Stand, Cormac McCarthy’s the Road,  Richard Matheson’s I am Legend… hell, the list goes on.)

But more likely than my elaborate over-thinking analysis, America is the new setting because the popular writers/directors of dystopias are, well…American. Similarly, it obviously made sense that England was the go-to landscape for British dystopian writers in the 19th and 20th century.

Personally, I’m happy I’m in the UK. If anyone’s had two centuries of practice in dealing with hypothetical post-apocalyptic dystopian situations, it’s motherfucking England. You keep your McCarthy roads; I’ll take my chances with Victory Gin and war with Eurasia!

Cracked: 4 Things You Learn Quickly About Internet Hate.

Gladstone speaks the truth!

#4. The Internet Excels At Interpreting Things in the Way That Is Most Offensive to It

#3. The Internet Greatly Prefers to Be Helpful at the Very End of a Tragedy

#2. The Internet Hates Satire

#1. The Internet Has No Shame

5 months ago

This is an English paper. The only equations we speak of are what we call ‘conflations’ of one concept with another.

Albertine, on writing equations/problems out in a paper.

Shit London Awards 2012

“Celebrating the city’s ugliest buildings, worst shop names and most depressing views.” via The Guardian.

My favorites were:

Thoughts On the British Bureaucracy

“Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous. They wouldn’t even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders - signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.”

-Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

Basically my experience in a nutshell.

Why does my oven only go up to 200 degrees?
Oh, it’s in Celsius.

File this one under #AmericanIdiot.

Chap Olympiad = Upperclass Twit of The Year IRL

Guys, Monty Python wasn’t actually joking— THIS IS A THING.

From The Guardian:

Britain’s most gentlemanly sporting event held in Bedford Square, London, featured the cucumber sandwich discus, umbrella jousting – and some fine facial hair.

Or, as I remember it:

Mother: Wouldn't it be interesting if you married a prince?
Me: Ugh, no Mom-- *insert feminist rant about patriarchy, royalty*
Mother: I'm joking-- as if a prince would ever want to marry *YOU*! HA!
(I am so glad I am not Kate Middleton.)

“He’s not a person… he’s a Daily Mail reader.”

From the trailer for the dark, dark comedy Sightseers:

We saw the premiere of Sightseers last week at the BFI, followed by Q&A from director Ben Wheatley and the two main actors.

This will be my new excuse for my upcoming murder spree: “They’re not people, Tina, they’re on Tumblr!”

Spotted at Tottenhamcourt Rd Station

Spotted at Tottenhamcourt Rd Station

Last Thoughts Before Putting Pedophiles and Tv Shows To Bed:

A response from strangesequitur, who wrote back to me about the Sherlock/Savile post:

Honestly, I owe you a bit of an apology.  Or two, even.  For starters, I’m relatively new to Tumblr as well, and I violated one of the core rules thereof when I drafted that sleep-deprived, three-am comment: I didn’t click through to read your blog first.  (For all I knew, it could have been a roleplaying blog for a rather over-the-top character, for instance.)

My reply was very harsh towards you, now that I reread it. Please know that was mostly a framing device (unfair to you though it may have been) and the crux of my rant was actually directed at the people in the branch of the comment tree which happened to come across my dash, (Not that they’d see my reply; good god is Tumblr ever weird in some respects.) all of whom were being very anti-fandom in general, and anti-Sherlock fandom in particular.

And I’ve been encountering bucketloads of people making massive generalizations about All People Belonging to X (race, gender, sexuality, religion) in the last week or so, and holding my tongue to avoid conflict… and for some insane reason, “Oh, look.  The Sherlock fandom strikes again.” was apparently the last straw, and something it somehow felt safer to fight back against.  But because of the way Tumblr works, the reply was directed at you rather than them, and that was unfair of me; I try my best not to spew backlogs of exasperation all over unrelated targets, and I failed in that.  Your comment was obviously hyperbolic (to such an extreme that I could tell that it almost certainly wasn’t sincere) and most of my rude comments (they seemed less harsh at the time, somehow?) were, I think in hindsight, subconsciously intended for the benefit of the other commenters, to ease my point across.  (“It’s not that I disagree with you!  See?  I agree with you!  But shut the hell up about this somehow being a comment drafted by a committee consisting of the entire fandom.”)

Again, unfair.

(Honestly, I wasn’t really all that offended by the original comment.  My sense of humor is twisted at the best of times, and if it had been anything other than child molestation [well, perhaps rape in general] I wouldn’t have even thought to add the “That’s a bit crap, and you’ve gone too far now.” comments.)

Any anger I had was actually directed at the weird anti-fandom sentiment that I was suddenly inundated with on my almost entirely fannish dashboard.  Again, you have my apologies.

My final thoughts: There’s no need to apologize. My belief is that when there is a misunderstanding, it is always the responsibility of the writer to make themselves and their (joking) intentions, not the reader. In this case, it wasn’t clear that my blog is a pseudo-parody of an American Anglophile’s experience of England, and has nothing to do with Sherlock. I hope that is clearer now.

There you have it! A real mature conversation on Tumblr! It does exist! Now back to being a bunch of two-year olds.

Re: The Sherlock Post - Tumblr, Stop Letting Me Down.

So, I left my computer the other day after posting a sarcastic comment about Sherlock being delayed, likening it to the BBC’s troubles with Jimmy Savile, the child molester.

Some disclaimers: I actually am not part of the Sherlock fandom - I like the show, don’t get me wrong, but as all my friends bemoaned the lack of a third season, I thought I’d parody their angst by posting a quip about the delay.

Re: ‘Anglophile’: I’ve never watched an episode of Doctor Who in my life. I haven’t even watched “Love Actually.” I don’t like rain, misery, or Downton Abbey. I’m a shitty Anglophile, but I do enjoy self-deprecatingly calling myself one.

And of course, re Savile: I apologize if any of you thought I was making light of child abuse (but I won’t apologize for making the quip, that’s my right to free speech). That’s not my job— that’s the Simpsons, Family Matters, and mainstream television’s job— to glorify and gloss over real world problems.

I figured people on Tumblr would be smart, snarky, and have as dark of a sense of humor as I do. Certainly, people who have been reading my blog before have enjoyed me shitting on both America and England. But I’m a bit disappointed in the response being so humorless to this post. Oh well, welcome to the Tumblr/The Internet.

British Self-Deprecating Advertising

Some of my favorite things about England have to be the advertisements (pronounced, of course, ad-VER-tiz-ments, not ad-ver-TIES-ments). While American ads tend to be gratuitous aggrandizements to the point of absurdity (and have their own charm as a result), British ones are remarkable for their #TrueBrit restraint from boasting, in a self-conscious, ironically non-descript, and pretty darn effective way.

It’s like: “Come to Cock Tavern, we have PROPER STRONG CIDER and OTHER INTERESTING THINGS,  like NICE BEER and LOVELY MEAT (of some vague variety, but what do you care? You’re too pissed to notice.)”

For take for instance, the place right by my school:

Not to mention the labels on my Sainsbury’s “Basics” brand:

It’s like saying, “Hey— we know we’re not the best. But you’re broke and can’t afford anything else (and we’re protecting our main brand anyways).”

(Don’t worry, this is a fake.)

Sherlock Season 3 Delayed ‘Til 2014

This is a national travesty. BBC should be more ashamed of this than of the whole Jimmy Savile thing.

Editing Disclaimer: So, apparently Tumblr doesn’t understand sarcasm. Of course the loss of Sherlock is not a national travesty compared to Jimmy Savile. Please, folks, put away your pitchforks. CHILD ABUSE IS NOT FUNNY… EXCEPT WHEN IT’S THE SIMPSONS OR SOME OTHER STUPID SHOW.

Let’s try this again: your poor reactions have made me lose more faith in humanity than Hitler.